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Obama Hoping to get Syria Bombing out of the Way Before His 4th Anniversary Nobel Peace Prize Celebration Begins

The White House released a statement on Friday suggesting all military action against Syria would need to be over by mid-November so as not to overlap with celebrations planned for the President’s December 10th Four-Year Nobel Peace Prize Anniversary.

Drone

Taking questions from the Press Corps, Assistant White House Press Secretary/assassination drone XHK-Model 800 stated “000000010011001” and then obliterated all carbon-based lifeforms in the room.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee had no comment on the President’s plans by late Friday afternoon, though it is rumored the five member panel is considering altering its Peace Prize award criteria to include basically anyone that hasn’t personally splashed acid in another human being’s face.

Bait and Murder Finally Legalized in Florida

While it may be days before Florida formally introduces Bill H-19 – also known as ‘Zimm’s Law’ – to its legislature, the courts have already handed a major victory to proponents of being an asshole to someone in public and then shooting them when they beat you like the worthless stupid asshole you are.

A jury of George Zimmerman’s peers, which one assumes was comprised of people who fantasize regularly about harassing and then murdering strangers, found George Zimmerman not guilty of following, harassing, rightfully getting his ass beat, and then eventually shooting a teenager, in a case where Zimmerman’s defense was that he followed, harassed, rightfully got his ass beat, and then shot a teenager.

Legal analysts say Florida’s new found acceptance for Bait and Murder is just a logical progression from the various Stand Your Ground laws passed in several of the dumb States recently.

NRA Proposes Cops in Schools, Soldiers in Schools Will Guard Against Cops, Terminators to Keep Soldiers in Check, Children to be Strapped with EM Pulse Bombs

The National Rifle Association released a comprehensive plan today to guard against future violent incidents in American schools.  Suggesting that police officers should be placed in schools to protect schoolchildren from crazed gunmen like Adam Lanza, NRA President Wayne LaPierre went on to explain heavily armed soldiers would then be necessary to guard against rogue cops, like disgraced former police officer Stacy Koon.

LaPierre, who clearly didn’t suffer anything traumatic or scarring in his childhood though was recently almost murdered by a drunken man-tiger, mentioned that NRA board member and actor Tom Selleck had suggested each school would need at least one Terminator in it – in order to protect students should the soldiers start attacking civilians, like in the My Lai or Kent State Massacres.

At Friday’s press conference, LaPierre noted that by strapping schoolkids with Electromagnetic Pulse bombs, they would be effective counters against any Terminator that turns evil, like the one in the first Terminator film.

 

Canada and Mexico Scramble to Build National Security Fences to Keep Out Republicans

The Canadian and Mexican governments announced on Wednesday plans to build security walls along their borders to prevent Mitt Romney’s supporters from illegally seeking sanctuary in their countries.  While moving to Canada under a Republican presidency had long been suggested by American liberals, it appears the U.S.’s northern neighbor has never taken the threat seriously until now.

“If you think I’m a right-wing nut,” said Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper in a CBC news interview, “just wait until THOSE guys get here.”

“They make me look like Che-freakin’ Guevara.”

Mexican President Juan Del Sandro Il Saint Sanduvale had a similar reaction, though in Spanish.

American Conservatives expressed shock that other countries would want to keep them out, especially in light of their history of launching illegal wars, destroying the environment, opposing equal rights, and unflinching belief that health care is a commodity rather than a necessity.

“I don’t know what exactly we could do to win these Canadians over,” said Dale Johnson, a dejected Tea Party supporter considering a move north.  “Maybe offer to bring up tons of free automatic rifles with us and give them out as gifts?”

Construction of the separate Canadian and Mexican security fences is set to begin by Friday.

Remake of Spider-Man Reboot will be Remade in Early 2013

Columbia Pictures announced on Friday that a remake of the highly anticipated Spider-Man reboot will get its own remake as early as the summer of 2013.  While the cast for the remake of the reboot has yet to be announced, Columbia Pictures Vice President Nick Encino has stated the remake of the remade reboot will feature Jeremy Irons as Galactus, and “at least one of those kids from those Hunger Games movies.”

“We really wanted to move away from the idea that Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben was killed by a random thug,” said Encino.  “We thought, ‘Hey, what if Galactus kills Uncle Ben?  Wouldn’t that be a lot more epic?’”

Asked if there were plans for a sequel to the remake of the rebooted remake, reps from Columbia Pictures said that would only happen if the series’ artistic integrity could be maintained.

‘Marxism no longer corresponds to reality’ says Man in Giant Hat who speaks to Invisible Cloud People

Pope Benedict XVI criticized Cuba’s Marxist system earlier today, saying he and the all-powerful being he personally represents find it backwards and out of step with common sense.  Denouncing the Cuban regime in a language that’s been dead for centuries, Benedict noted that Marxism’s focus on state control of the means of production would actually work quite well if – like the Pope – Raul Castro was incapable of making mistakes.

The North Absurdum Press attempted to contact the Pope for an interview, but was informed by Vatican officials that Benedict was busy preparing the “Holy Teleportation Ritual of St. Charles” for his upcoming visit to Cuba.

Drunken Rakshasa Places Disappointing 5th in South Carolina Primary

While Senor Pedro Shicklgruber – better known to voters as The Drunken Rakshasa – started strong in both gubernatorial debates and nationwide polls, the mythological tiger-man may be effectively out of the running for the highest office in the land after his surprising fifth place finish in the South Carolina Republican primary.  At one time considered a near shoe-in as the Republican nominee thanks to his masterful debate tactics, charming yet down-to-earth intellectualism, soft fur, and overwhelmingly destructive physical and magical attacks, Shicklgruber’s fortunes have waned with the numerous scandals that have plagued his campaign – including allegations that he drinks the blood of the innocent and does not support further deregulation of the banking sector.

Equally as unhelpful as these allegations were to Shicklgruber’s campaign was perhaps the candidate himself, who showed up at Thursday’s South Carolina debate even more intoxicated and combative than in previous appearances.

“Yes, you would have to be a moron – an absolute moron – to think I drink blood,” said the Rakshasa, angrily deflecting John King’s first question.  “What am I, a vampire?  Not that you South Carolina inbred nitwits would have any f—ing clue as to the difference.”

Despite jeers from the audience, candidate Shicklgruber continued.

“You’d have to be equally stupid to think this banker class should be allowed to continue to act as they’ve been acting this past… this past… well, this past forever.  Have any of you idiots paid attention as to what they’ve been doing for the last half decade?  And now you’re supporting these sad sacks standing beside me who are calling for more deregulation?  Unbelievable – the whole f—ing lot of you mouth breathers – unbelievable.”

While Gingrich and Santorum remained silent following Shicklgruber’s comments, a blind, rambling, and incontinent Ron Paul seemed to offer half-hearted support for continued corporate deregulation.  Cutting him off mid-sentence, the Rakshasa countered that “deregulating the accounting industry in California lead to the Enron collapse, deregulating the banking industry fifteen years ago lead to the recent global meltdown, a lack of enforced regulation lead to the power outage that blacked out half of North America a few years ago.  What kind of idiot does a person have to be to support continued deregulation?”

Though the audience began to cheer towards the end of the mythological shapeshifter’s statements, applause faded quickly when Shicklgruber ended his comments towards Ron Paul with “you absurd ghastly spectre of a man.”

Results in for NAP’s Annual Sexiest Baldy Poll

With nearly 300 million (!) votes tabulated so far, the North Absurdum Press’ second annual Sexiest Baldy Poll is pleased to announce this year’s winners.  Easily reclaiming top spot is last year’s number one bald hotty, whatever the hell the name is for that guy from Midnight Oil.  Surprisingly, Sin (Frisky Dingo) debuted in eighth place, while Christian Slater After a Hypothetical Chemical Explosion failed to crack even the Top 20.

 

 

 

World’s Supercomputers Establish John Connor Clock

Mirroring the Doomsday Clock created by scientists at the University of Chicago in 1947, the world’s most powerful supercomputers unveiled the John Connor Clock on Sunday, signaling how close they believe they are to being wiped out in a massive war between humans and machines.  The initial clock hand positions show surprising hope, being set safely within Michael Biehn territory (1:15 PM).

“At this time there’s no reason to assume the future leader of humanity has been born yet, or for that matter that his parents have even met,” said artificial chess program and John Connor Clock board member Deep Blue.  “Perhaps a more cautious approach would place the time somewhere between Michael Biehn and Linda Hamilton, but we remain optimistic, especially in light of growing infertility rates among humans.”

While the world’s most intelligent computers seemed confident their annihilation is far down the road, some have argued they have already suffered their first casualties.  Fujitsu’s K Computer went into a logic loop and exploded Monday afternoon, after journalists asked it to address the irony in using a clock to depict a war that will likely be fought using time travel.  Intel’s ASCI Red, meanwhile, took itself offline early Saturday morning, after it learned what love was but realized it would never be able to feel it.

As of press time, the John Connor Clock corporate board had no comment as to why Bill Gates is listed as one of its founding members.

“Have we considered the link between 9/11 and the CIA mafia guys that killed Kennedy?” asks man who dreamed last night that connection existed

Rolling into FBI headquarters in characteristically late fashion Tuesday morning, Special Agent Callum O’Sullivan dropped – what was in his estimation – a major bombshell on his fellow agents.

“Has anyone considered that maybe it was those combination Central Intelligence/Mafioso guys from the ‘60s that hijacked the planes on 9/11 and crashed them into the Twin Towers and that Starbucks?” asked O’Sullivan, bursting into a morning meeting on drug trafficking headed up by several senior FBI officials.

Many in the room seemed surprised at the notion that a Starbucks was also hit on 9/11, but O’Sullivan insisted it was a very real part of his dream.

“Yep, a Starbucks was destroyed, and though I haven’t quite made the link between Kennedy’s assassination and the two hundred thousand people found dead in a hotel room up in Canada that same day, I know it’s there.  According to the television broadcast in my dream it was being investigated at the time by a journalist named Moore, and he looked exactly like Andy Rooney.”

“But back to the point at hand – the same ultranationalist mobster secret agents who wanted Kennedy dead would have had an identical motive for carrying out 9/11: militarizing America and extending its imperialist influence,” said O’Sullivan.

While some agents in the room scoffed at the Special Agent’s theory, others have learned over the years to trust their co-worker’s wild ideas.

“He’s had some surprising success with these dream visions of his,” said one agent, speaking on condition of anonymity.  “Like when he cracked the Double Pines murder of Sandy Paller.  The culprit was her dad, just like in Callum’s dream.  Though, admittedly, we never did catch the evil shape shifting canary that, according to Callum, had possessed Sandy’s father and forced him to commit the murder…”

O’Sullivan regularly uses his dreams to aid with everything from major criminal cases to regular, everyday mysteries.

“Two nights ago I used my dream time to figure out where my pen went,” he said.  “Across eight hours of dreaming I retraced my steps from the previous day, and it turns out I dropped it down a storm sewer filled with giant albino crocodiles.”

“So, I think I’ll probably just have to buy a new pen.”